Today I wanted to focus on overcoming contention. I will primarily focus on contention within marriage, but the principles can apply to any sort of relationship, parent/child, siblings, friends, ect.
3 Nephi 11:29
Book of Mormon
"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another."
So if contention is of the devil, we must do all we can to overcome it. But how? It can be one of the hardest things to overcome. Heavenly Father created us to have different ways of viewing the world, different personalities. He did this because when different personalities work in harmony great things can happen. However, these different personalities can lead to conflict which then leads to contention.
I found it so amazing that one of the talks given in church today focused partly on contention in marriage (I know that wasn't a coincidence). I LOVED the words he shared. He talked about two rocks knocking against one another, that by definition is conflict, but with just conflict alone the rocks become smooth TOGETHER. Contention begins when we let the conflict cause us to become angry or offended.
There have been times in our marriage where my husband and I may disagree on something and we can have a very calm open discussion about it. We leave the discussion with better insights, new plans, and an increased appreciation for one another. There are times, though, when we both take offence, or we feel attacked, even though an attack was definitely not intended. What is the difference? The difference is humility. When we are humble we are open to the Spirit of God, who can teach and bring peace.
Part of bringing humility to marriage is choosing individually and as a couple to serve God. As you do so, you will draw closer to the Lord and you will be able to see each other through God's eyes. One way to serve God is to serve each other. In times where my husband and I seem to be a little rough around the edges we make a goal for that week to do something to serve one another each day. We then talk about it at night before we go to bed, to create accountability and to help us see different ways in which we serve each other. It is amazing to see the changes that happen over one week, or two, or three, or however long we decide to do it. It helps us get into the habit and mindset of serving one another. Charity never faileth.
Moroni 7:45-47
"45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."
Elder Boyd K. Packer once said "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior"
I want to apply this principle to marriage. Understanding your spouse changes attitudes and behavior.
So what does that mean?
Elder Bednar says “The word understanding as used in the scriptures does not refer solely or even primarily to intellectual or cognitive comprehension. Rather, when the Holy Ghost confirms in our hearts as true what we know in our minds, understanding occurs."
One of the best ways to gain an understanding of our spouses is to talk to Heavenly Father about them. He knows them better than you. He can help you know what they need, he can help you see into their hearts. There have been times where I am talking to Heavenly Father and He helps me understand my husband in a way I hadn't understood him before. This helps resolve any contention in my heart that may have been there.
Here are a few ways my husband and I CHOOSE to overcome contention.
- Set goals to serve one another
- Pray to Heavenly Father for and about each other. Ask each morning what your spouse needs that day. Have a piece of paper to write down your thoughts.
- At the end of each day we give each other two compliments. Things we noticed the person do well that day.
- Along with compliments we include one thing we are grateful to each other for that day.
- We pray every morning AND night. It is so important to begin your day and end your day, hand in hand, praying to Heavenly Father.
- Every Sunday evening we talk about success as a couple and individuals for the past week. Then we set individuals, couple, and family goals for the coming week. Every evening we review how we did that day for goals. (We always have at least one goal be a goal that will strengthen us Spiritually)
- We read scriptures together as a couple each night
- We pray for others
- Kisses before every departure and at every return, even if we happen to be grumpy at the moment.
- Being open and honest.
- Being humble
- Being quick to ask for forgiveness
- Dates EVERY week. We are poor and can't go out very often, so we get creative. :) We most recently found questions online and played a newlywed game!
- Try to sit next to each other and hold hands as much as possible, at home, at church, etc.
- Going to the Temple. We trade off each week going while the other stays home with the kiddos. And we try to at least once a month or every other month to go together.
There are many other little things we try to do each day to help lift one another. There is a Quaker proverb that says "Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together”
You CAN overcome contention. Turn to the Lord and he will direct you!
Proverbs 3:6
Old Testament
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Next Time: Overcoming the difficulty of keeping the Sabbath Day Holy.
You CAN overcome contention. Turn to the Lord and he will direct you!
Proverbs 3:6
Old Testament
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Next Time: Overcoming the difficulty of keeping the Sabbath Day Holy.
