Anxiety: Part 1

Ever since I can remember I have had anxiety. I couldn't put a name to it as a child, but some of my earliest memories are of feeling anxious (now as a mother it breaks my heart to look back on childhood Emily).

As a child I remember vividly not being able to fall asleep until my parents got home from date nights. I would lay in bed, worrying that they were going to die in a car accident, until I heard the garage door open and then I could drift off to sleep. I remember just standing by my window watching for tornadoes. Many times during road trips we would drive during the night and I would sit in the back seat watching my dad as he drove. I wouldn't take my eyes off of him so that if he started to nod off to sleep I could wake him up before we got into an accident that would kill us (Side note: My dad never did nod off) These are just a some of the FEW anxieties that I had as a child. As I grew my anxieties transformed into different topics and situations. Even though the anxieties have been different, they have always been there.

I am not sure how many times right after I got married that I would sob to my husband about how I would never overcome anxiety. I saw NO hope. I felt like there was no point in trying to get better, because it wouldn't work. I felt like my husband deserved a wife anxiety free, and I would never be that for him. The truth is that was Satan trying to keep me bound...the truth is...there is hope. I can be better, even if my anxiety never fully goes away (which I am sure it will be a lifelong battle). I can have more control over the thoughts and feelings that come. I can work and work, I can fight and fight. I don't have to let Satan have control over my weakness and use it against me. I will rely on the words and promises of the Lord. I will rely on the Savior's Atonement.

Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I will give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then I will make weak things become strong unto them."

This scripture was always a little confusing to me. How can my weakness become a strength. I see it now. Because of my anxiety I am hyper sensitive to how others are feeling in any given moment. I have the chance to write a blog about what has helped me in hopes of helping others. My anxiety has drawn me closer to the Lord. All of these are strengths.

Ether 12:28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weaknesses, and I will show unto them that faith, HOPE, and charity bringeth unto me- the fountain of all righteousness."

Please don't give up hope. Ever! There have been times where I have felt like I have good control over my anxiety, and then I will slip into a time of anxiety (seriously though... I went out to the garage like 30 minutes ago for something and found a colony of spiders...big ones, baby ones, terrifying looking ones, one that may have been a black widow-but scurried away(into a hole in the wall...GAH.) before I could get a good look...and now I am freaking out...I just stood there for like fifteen minutes freaking out. Worrying about them coming into the house and biting my babies.) So anyway, during those days or weeks or even months when my anxiety is running away with my hope, faith, peace, and sanity, I just have to hold on tight and fight. We can overcome this, I know it.

Next week: Tools, scriptures, and talks that have helped me take control of my anxiety.